i never… update!

well… a month or so ago (ya know, when i had time to post on here) i made an entry about the "i never" game… well the other day i crossed something off that list.

i never gave a crack-whore a ride to her skanky motel room/home.

drink up boys!

so the story itself isn't as interesting as that punchline. as i'm actually finding is quite common with my stories. it reminds me of a calvin and hobbes quote i hang on my monitor "I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point."

so i was leaving rotterdam mall, walking to my car, when i hear "sir, sir, excuse me sir!" i turn to see a blonde woman in a puffy white coat walking toward me. the inner ego immediately goes to such scenarios as:

"sir, can you help me, i have a flat tire that i need you to change." i can do that, i'm a smart guy, i know how to change a tire.

"sir, can you help me, my car is dead, i think i need a jump." i can do that, i'm a prepared guy, i have jumper cables in my trunk.

"sir, can you help me, i have this really heavy box i can't lift into my car." i can do that, i'm a guy with an ego, who thinks that no box is too heavy if there are other people watching.

any of these would have been appropriate. what i heard instead was:

"i need yer help see i called the cab company and they told me they're between shifts right now and they can't get here for another hour and a half and i need a ride to the l&m motel it's right on the other side of the altilery over there and i can't walk because i walked here from there cuz i needed a pack of smokes and it took me almost an hour and i nearly got killed twice cuz people just don't know how drive around here and there's no sidewalk on that road so they nearly ran me over and i swear if i have to walk back i'll get pneumonia and that's if those assholes don't drive me over first so can you gimme a ride cuz the cab company said they're in between shifts and they can't get here till 7:30."

"umm. you need what now?"

"i need yer help see i called the cab company and they told me they're between shifts right now and they can't get here for another hour and a half and i need a ride to the l&m motel it's right on the other side of the altilery over there and i can't walk because i walked here from there cuz i needed a pack of smokes and it took me almost an hour and i nearly got killed twice cuz people just don't know how drive around here and there's no sidewalk on that road so they nearly ran me over and i swear if i have to walk back i'll get pneumonia and that's if those assholes don't drive me over first so can you gimme a ride cuz the cab company said they're in between shifts and they can't get here till 7:30."

"wait. you need a ride?"

""i need yer help see i called the cab company and they told me they're between shifts right now and they can't get here for another hour and a half and i need a ride to the l&m motel it's right on the other side of the altilery over there and i can't walk because i walked here from there cuz i needed a pack of smokes and it took me almost an hour and i nearly got killed twice cuz people just don't know how drive around here and there's no sidewalk on that road so they nearly ran me over and i swear if i have to walk back i'll get pneumonia and that's if those assholes don't drive me over first so can you gimme a ride cuz the cab company said they're in between shifts and they can't get here till 7:30."

"you need to go where?"

"i need yer help see i called the cab company and they told me they're between shifts right now and they can't get here for another hour and a half and i need a ride to the l&m motel it's right on the other side of the altilery over there and i can't walk because i walked here from there cuz i needed a pack of smokes and it took me almost an hour and i nearly got killed twice cuz people just don't know how drive around here and there's no sidewalk on that road so they nearly ran me over and i swear if i have to walk back i'll get pneumonia and that's if those assholes don't drive me over first so can you gimme a ride cuz the cab company said they're in between shifts and they can't get here till 7:30."

"um. ok. you need a ride? to a motel? just a couple miles that way?"

"i need yer help see i called the cab company and they told me they're between shifts right now and they can't get here for another hour and a half and i need a ride to the l&m motel it's right on the other side of the altilery over there and i can't walk because i walked here from there cuz i needed a pack of smokes and it took me almost an hour and i nearly got killed twice cuz people just don't know how drive around here and there's no sidewalk on that road so they nearly ran me over and i swear if i have to walk back i'll get pneumonia and that's if those assholes don't drive me over first so can you gimme a ride cuz the cab company said they're in between shifts and they can't get here till 7:30."

"whatever. fine get in."

you see, at this point. she was a strange, kinda creepy lady, who needs a ride. i had made sure to check for obvious weapons, you know, box cutters, nail files, etc. and everything looked fine. when she starts talking inside the car, i learn a bit more about puffy coat lady.

"see today's my 43rd birthday."

"oh yea? happy birthday!"

"yep 43 today. and i'm a recovering crack addict too ya know 13 months clean and in that shitty motel where i live it's just filled with druggies and all sorts of assholes and when i left i heard em talkin about goin on another run so i left my door open cuz if you ever think someones gunna break into your place lookin for somethin thats what you should do don't make em break anything just leave it open that way they go in see that you don't have what they want and they leave cuz if you lock your door they'll break everything they can and today's my 43rd birthday and i've been clean for 13 months now so i don't need them breakin all my stuff."

"umm. yeah. i turn right up here?"

"yeah honey right up there. ya know thank you so much for doin this you don't know how much i appreciate it ya see i called the cab company and they told me they're between shifts right now and they can't get here for another hour and a half and i need a ride to the l&m motel it's right on the other side of the altilery over there and i can't walk because i walked here from there cuz i needed a pack of smokes and it took me almost an hour and i nearly got killed twice cuz people just don't know how drive around here and there's no sidewalk on that road so they nearly ran me over and i swear if i have to walk back i'll get pneumonia and that's if those assholes don't drive me over first so can you gimme a ride cuz the cab company said they're in between shifts and they can't get here till 7:30."

"no problem."

"thank you so much for doin this ya know it's my birthday today yep i'm 43 years old today and i think i look damn good for 43 did you know it was my birthday today yep and i've been clean for 13 months now i don't do any of that crack stuff anymore but this motel where i'm stayin…"

i think you get the idea. yep. drove her "home" to her motel. turned around in that parking lot quicker than dave coulier on skating with celebrities, and took off to go home.

… for the record, and perhaps her own reputation, there is no clinical evidence proving the fact that said puffy coat lady was in fact a crack whore, however for the purposes of this story, and my life accomplishments, i am drawing that conclusion. should she, or any actual crack whores, read this and take umbridge, snarf is hereby removed from any and all legal recourse due to said blogging post or something. i wish i knew a lawyer to write my disclaimers. :)