home of snarf

damn the spam

2006-05-11T13:52:00.000-04:00

i think my blog has received more entries from spammers than myself. and that's a bad thing. for those of you reading this, both of you, sorry about that. apparently i just can't find the time to do this all that often. okay so it's probably not the time, it's coming up with the topics. wait. i just came up with one.

you see, i've always enjoyed writing. not like, "this is what i want to do for a living" enjoyed (hi flarf), but i get more than my fair share of amusement out of it, and that's good enough for me. but my struggle has never been the writing part, it's the topic part. i can remember as far back as sixth grade english. (i can actually remember beyond that in general, but i'm trying to stay on point here). we had to write in a journal in english class. every day. i don't write every day (as you now know). the hardest part was that my teacher always said "just write about whatever you want. anything you want. be creative."

be creative.

bullshit lady, you're a teacher, tell me what to write about!

i never actually said that.

i usually ended up doing one of three things.

1-"last night i had chicken for dinner. yup. chicken. it was chicken with some white sauce on it and i don't like white sauces. there were some veggies too, but i didn't eat those. my mom tells me i will like them when i'm older, something about an 'acquired taste' but i think she's lying. . ."

2-"i'm writing in my journal now because i was told to write in my journal. i don't have anything to write about but i'm supposed to keep writing no matter if i have anything to write about or not, so that's what i'm doing. i think that was a run on sentence, but what do you expect when i'm just told to keep on writing. . ."

3-no words. random scribbles. and for some reason, a tornado. i always start with scribbles and end up with a tornado. then i draw a house next to the tornado. with a fence. i don't know why.

for the record, i do not like vegetables. in fact, my wife yelled at me last night for not even trying a single bite of my zucchini. whatever.

so the topic thing, yeah, over the years it hasn't gotten better, as i usually end up writing about inanimate objects or whatever i happen to see around me (my high school creative writing piece "izzy the bee" was da bomb, yo!).

it is now that i turn it over to you. you want me to write? give me topics! anything and everything. i'll do my best to come up with something. even questions, about have i ever or when did you first, etc. keep it clean people.

scary but true...

2006-04-19T16:06:00.000-04:00

your iq can drop as much as 20% when you take a 3 week vacation... guess that whole "2 point lead" thing is pretty much gone now, huh?

quiz time!

2006-03-21T09:10:00.000-05:00

Bozo was about to board a city bus with his newly purchased, five-foot-long novelty toothbrush, when the driver informed him of an ordinance prohibiting packages of more than four feet tall. He had only enough money to take the bus home, and the store wouldn't take returns. Five minutes later, Bozo was on the bus riding home, with the toothbrush in one piece. How'd he do it?

deal or no deal

2006-03-08T12:55:00.000-05:00

so i'm a sucker for television. good television. bad television. it doesn't always matter. i have a tendency to skip out on some quality shows (24, west wing, csi) and i also have some guilty pleasures (american idol, survivor). the latter is the subject of this blog.

have you seen the commercials for nbc's new "hit gameshow" deal or no deal? it involved people watching tv. screaming. like idiots. as though the tv can hear them. "take the money! take the money!" "you IDIOT!"

sigh…

i have become said gameshow watching, tv screaming idiot. the other night, with a "highly compelling" episode of deal or no deal on, i found myself talking out loud. "i think i'd take it. i don't know, $82,000, with only 2 higher amounts left? i'd take it." she didn't. i called her a nincompoop, or some other innocent insult. she picked a box, she kept going, her next offer was close to $200,000. my volume increased. "holy crap! take it, oh she's got to take this. she'd be stupid to not take this. but ya know what? i think it would be hilarious if she didn't, yeah! don't take it! hahahaha!" she didn't take it. i screamed "OHhhhh my GOOOOddd what an idiot! HOLY CRAP! What is she THINKING?!?"

and then it hit me.

i'm yelling at my tv.

sigh… ever feel like you're actually getting dumber just by doing something stupid? yeah. that was my moment. i must have lost some important information during that hour. oh well. time to watch project runway.

it's 9am somewhere

2006-03-07T14:13:00.000-05:00

and that somewhere is hawaii… i'm counting down the moments till i am able to escape everything. no work. no tv. no phonecalls. none of it. just me, my wife-to-be, and the subtle sounds of peace. oh. and maybe a whale or two. that would be fun.

hey look, a headline!

2006-02-24T16:17:00.000-05:00

apparently there's a checkbox i missed. 3 POSTS IN ONE DAY, YAY! COMMENT NOW! hehe

2006-02-24T15:16:00.000-05:00

apparently this new tool doesn't allow me to write headlines. but for the convenience, i'm okay with that. look, two posts in one day!

2006-02-24T15:15:00.000-05:00

So I just installed this new thing for my computer at work. It's a widget, that is supposed to allow me to post a blog entry without me even having to sign in, or do anything funky at all. This is a test to see if it works. For those of you still reading, wow, you're dedicated. here's your reward:

Carat for carat, rubies are more valuable than diamonds.

I know, it's boring. Work with me here.

i never… update!

2006-01-19T13:41:00.000-05:00

well… a month or so ago (ya know, when i had time to post on here) i made an entry about the "i never" game… well the other day i crossed something off that list.

i never gave a crack-whore a ride to her skanky motel room/home.

drink up boys!

so the story itself isn't as interesting as that punchline. as i'm actually finding is quite common with my stories. it reminds me of a calvin and hobbes quote i hang on my monitor "I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point."

so i was leaving rotterdam mall, walking to my car, when i hear "sir, sir, excuse me sir!" i turn to see a blonde woman in a puffy white coat walking toward me. the inner ego immediately goes to such scenarios as:

"sir, can you help me, i have a flat tire that i need you to change." i can do that, i'm a smart guy, i know how to change a tire.

"sir, can you help me, my car is dead, i think i need a jump." i can do that, i'm a prepared guy, i have jumper cables in my trunk.

"sir, can you help me, i have this really heavy box i can't lift into my car." i can do that, i'm a guy with an ego, who thinks that no box is too heavy if there are other people watching.

any of these would have been appropriate. what i heard instead was:

"i need yer help see i called the cab company and they told me they're between shifts right now and they can't get here for another hour and a half and i need a ride to the l&m motel it's right on the other side of the altilery over there and i can't walk because i walked here from there cuz i needed a pack of smokes and it took me almost an hour and i nearly got killed twice cuz people just don't know how drive around here and there's no sidewalk on that road so they nearly ran me over and i swear if i have to walk back i'll get pneumonia and that's if those assholes don't drive me over first so can you gimme a ride cuz the cab company said they're in between shifts and they can't get here till 7:30."

"umm. you need what now?"

"i need yer help see i called the cab company and they told me they're between shifts right now and they can't get here for another hour and a half and i need a ride to the l&m motel it's right on the other side of the altilery over there and i can't walk because i walked here from there cuz i needed a pack of smokes and it took me almost an hour and i nearly got killed twice cuz people just don't know how drive around here and there's no sidewalk on that road so they nearly ran me over and i swear if i have to walk back i'll get pneumonia and that's if those assholes don't drive me over first so can you gimme a ride cuz the cab company said they're in between shifts and they can't get here till 7:30."

"wait. you need a ride?"

""i need yer help see i called the cab company and they told me they're between shifts right now and they can't get here for another hour and a half and i need a ride to the l&m motel it's right on the other side of the altilery over there and i can't walk because i walked here from there cuz i needed a pack of smokes and it took me almost an hour and i nearly got killed twice cuz people just don't know how drive around here and there's no sidewalk on that road so they nearly ran me over and i swear if i have to walk back i'll get pneumonia and that's if those assholes don't drive me over first so can you gimme a ride cuz the cab company said they're in between shifts and they can't get here till 7:30."

"you need to go where?"

"i need yer help see i called the cab company and they told me they're between shifts right now and they can't get here for another hour and a half and i need a ride to the l&m motel it's right on the other side of the altilery over there and i can't walk because i walked here from there cuz i needed a pack of smokes and it took me almost an hour and i nearly got killed twice cuz people just don't know how drive around here and there's no sidewalk on that road so they nearly ran me over and i swear if i have to walk back i'll get pneumonia and that's if those assholes don't drive me over first so can you gimme a ride cuz the cab company said they're in between shifts and they can't get here till 7:30."

"um. ok. you need a ride? to a motel? just a couple miles that way?"

"i need yer help see i called the cab company and they told me they're between shifts right now and they can't get here for another hour and a half and i need a ride to the l&m motel it's right on the other side of the altilery over there and i can't walk because i walked here from there cuz i needed a pack of smokes and it took me almost an hour and i nearly got killed twice cuz people just don't know how drive around here and there's no sidewalk on that road so they nearly ran me over and i swear if i have to walk back i'll get pneumonia and that's if those assholes don't drive me over first so can you gimme a ride cuz the cab company said they're in between shifts and they can't get here till 7:30."

"whatever. fine get in."

you see, at this point. she was a strange, kinda creepy lady, who needs a ride. i had made sure to check for obvious weapons, you know, box cutters, nail files, etc. and everything looked fine. when she starts talking inside the car, i learn a bit more about puffy coat lady.

"see today's my 43rd birthday."

"oh yea? happy birthday!"

"yep 43 today. and i'm a recovering crack addict too ya know 13 months clean and in that shitty motel where i live it's just filled with druggies and all sorts of assholes and when i left i heard em talkin about goin on another run so i left my door open cuz if you ever think someones gunna break into your place lookin for somethin thats what you should do don't make em break anything just leave it open that way they go in see that you don't have what they want and they leave cuz if you lock your door they'll break everything they can and today's my 43rd birthday and i've been clean for 13 months now so i don't need them breakin all my stuff."

"umm. yeah. i turn right up here?"

"yeah honey right up there. ya know thank you so much for doin this you don't know how much i appreciate it ya see i called the cab company and they told me they're between shifts right now and they can't get here for another hour and a half and i need a ride to the l&m motel it's right on the other side of the altilery over there and i can't walk because i walked here from there cuz i needed a pack of smokes and it took me almost an hour and i nearly got killed twice cuz people just don't know how drive around here and there's no sidewalk on that road so they nearly ran me over and i swear if i have to walk back i'll get pneumonia and that's if those assholes don't drive me over first so can you gimme a ride cuz the cab company said they're in between shifts and they can't get here till 7:30."

"no problem."

"thank you so much for doin this ya know it's my birthday today yep i'm 43 years old today and i think i look damn good for 43 did you know it was my birthday today yep and i've been clean for 13 months now i don't do any of that crack stuff anymore but this motel where i'm stayin…"

i think you get the idea. yep. drove her "home" to her motel. turned around in that parking lot quicker than dave coulier on skating with celebrities, and took off to go home.

… for the record, and perhaps her own reputation, there is no clinical evidence proving the fact that said puffy coat lady was in fact a crack whore, however for the purposes of this story, and my life accomplishments, i am drawing that conclusion. should she, or any actual crack whores, read this and take umbridge, snarf is hereby removed from any and all legal recourse due to said blogging post or something. i wish i knew a lawyer to write my disclaimers. :)

merry christmas

2005-12-23T11:22:00.000-05:00

what's better than flinging a cow? flinging santa of course!

my best is 349.9…

i will never grow up

2005-12-23T08:58:00.000-05:00

for a while now i have known that i'm never going to grow up. not completely anyway. the part of me that is growing up and thinking about someday having children, is mainly controlled by the fact that once i do have kids, i'll be able to buy all sorts of fun toys to ~~play with~~ give to them. heaven help me if i have girls.

my toy collection seems to have spread to my desk at work, mainly… i have a matrix section, lord of the rings, a hula girl, bobbleheads, and all sorts of other geeky toys. well the other day my uruk-hai archer got blindsided by my weapon wielding acrobat army. i thought it was fun enough to share. see a few other images below if you're curious just what my desk normally looks like.

cold hard machine… a tribute

2005-12-22T16:20:00.000-05:00

so here's the thing. there's this guy i met in chicago at a design conference last summer. and he writes a blog that i check in with far too infrequently (it's hard for me to keep up with so many blogs). well every now and then he completely hits it on the head with something i have experienced. this one was dead on. his name is mad munkey, here is his blog. and here is his post:

Once when I was in college, I was working on a team project and discovered what some of my peers thought of me. The actual situation isn't important compared to the memory of what was said.

After pointing out a hole in a set of logic, one girl, exasperated, turned to me and said, "Do you ever make mistakes? You are like a machine."

I paused to consider her statement. Then responded, "Yes, I make mistakes all the time. But I try to fix them before they become problems. You just never see them."

I think about that conversation 14 years later more than I should. I was known as wildly creative, yet machine like. I have a problem connecting these two vastly different concepts in my mind. I wonder if I'm still seen that way. Am I a machine? So rigid in my search for perfection that I find disappointment or create expectations in others minds that they cannot hope to meet? I hope not, but I wonder...

thanks for making me feel like i'm not the only one who is like this, whether that's a good thing or not…

the world according to homer #2

2005-12-22T12:27:00.000-05:00

maybe just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding "you're making a scene"

to my faithful followers…

2005-12-22T12:25:00.000-05:00

so there's a fun thing about this blogging thing. i get to see who all is visiting my site, or at least where they are from. i'd like to take a minute to thank some of my far visitors.

Hey there Nashville!
Hi Plano!
Welcome Bensenville, IL!
Hello Hoofddorp, Noord-Holland!

I looked up how to say hello in Dutch, but it's still just Hello. oh well… thanks for reading! Have a happy holiday and all that stuff.

oh. you want something fun? umm… here

a grab bag a nice theory…

2005-12-20T11:33:00.000-05:00

so… we all know the office i work in at this point. unfortunately. and there's about 11 of us in my dept. in the past, we've all had to buy gifts for everyone, which gets expensive very quickly. so i thought we could do a grab bag this year. in early november i started discussing the possibility and everyone was up for it. so i sent an email around. everyone understood the idea. everyone signed on. very simple rules.

1. pick a name

2. buy gift for said name

3. give gift to said person on designated "grab bag" day

4. smile and open gift from other person

5. enjoy a stress-free, cost-limited holiday gift exchange at the workplace

well… apparently i work with different people.

ya see. we had our grab bag yesterday. and today i found out that 5 people in our department bought gifts for everyone. and not just like, here's a card and an ornament gifts… like, bottle of grey goose gifts. well strike that. they didn't buy those gifts for me. they bought them for eachother. those 5 people apparently decided to buy gifts for eachother above and beyond the grab bag.

ok. fine. no problem.

well then they also bought gifts for our boss. and our boss' boss. and her boss.

and our boss bought a gift for everyone. including me.

and our boss' boss did the same.

and out boss' boss' boss.

so now here i (and a couple others) are sitting, having fully followed the rules of the grab bag… but in a position where i have received gifts from many people, and only given to one. and feeling like crap. and now obligated to spend more money. on people i don't like anyway. hooray.

~~merry christmas.~~ happy holidays.

to whom it may concern…

2005-12-15T18:53:00.000-05:00

no, i didn't get the job.

no, i probably don't want you to call and apologize and console me.

no, i probably don't want you to tell me that while one door closes, another one opens. or any other clichés for that matter.

no, i probably don't want to hear that it's all for the best.

no, i will not answer any questions about why i didn't get it.

no, i don't want to talk about it.

no, i'm not happy.

no, this is not a funny blog entry.

no, i'm not sorry.

yes, you can feel free to say anything you want in comments. it's much easier to stomach condolences when they're in writing, as opposed to in person.

no, i didn't think i would ever be told that they chose someone else because "every young designer needs someone to give them a chance, and i think this should be his chance."

yes, that sucks.

no, i didn't realize i wasn't still a young designer.

yes, i'm bitter.

no, i do not want to shoot myself.

yes, i will be drinking tonight.

yes, i will be drinking tomorrow night.

yes, i will be downing carbombs like there's no tomorrow on saturday.

let the chips fall…

2005-12-13T13:01:00.000-05:00

so i had my interview today. and no, i didn't tell any of you about it. i just got out and it went great. this is not a humorous post. nothing funny. unless you imagine me wearing purple underoos with a giant. err. that would probably just be sad.

moving on.

i think i did well. no, i know i did well. i did as good as i could have. and it's up to them at this point. and hopefully it's in the bag.

but if not, who wants to pour the bottle down my throat?

electricity is fun!

2005-12-07T16:54:00.000-05:00

i live in an old house… and i'm poor… so i am therefore required to be a do-it-yourselfer… and when your house is 80+ years old, electricity is more of a convenience in certain areas of your home. garage? nope. outside the house? not really there either. the basement? one plug. i sought to remedy this situation.

i've never ran a completely new line before, so this was something new. and i thought that i would start with the end, rather than the beginning. this part of the story is boring, so i was going to send you to flingthecow.com just because it sounds like a fun site, but it's down. how sad.

moving on…

so i get everything hooked up, right? and i'm using this ground fault circuit indicating receptacle thingy (i sounded smart for a second) to stop from people (me) getting shocked when they do stupid things (grab toaster, plug in, jump in bathtub). and see everything was fine. working perfectly. and then i went to screw it into it's box, and *CLICK*. stupid thing. i don't have wet hands. don't turn off! i go to push the reset butt*CLICK*. dammit.

unscrew. reset. fine. screw in. click. dammit. repeat about ten times.

so then i turn off the power. reset it. screw it all the way in. turn on the powe*BOOM*.

ever really see a shower of sparks? like, in person? like, 8 inches away? hehe. yeah, it's not as much fun as you might think.

anyway. eventually i found a loose wire and fixed it. yay. now i can use a light, 2 blenders and a power saw in my work room at the same time. but that's another story.

i never… #2

2005-11-29T16:31:00.001-05:00

i've never seen casablanca, say anything or pretty in pink… anyone else got some good "i never's?"

i never… #1

2005-11-29T16:31:00.000-05:00

ever have a really big urge to pee? i mean, one so strong that you think by simply standing up you're going to dampen your drawers? (i don't know if that's how it's spelled, and it's funnier if you imagine will smith saying it like "draws")… anyway. i have that urge right now. and rather than get up and walk down the hall to the bathroom, i felt the urge to blog about it. that's not normal.

so am i worse for writing it, or you for taking the time to read it? :)

kevin smith is my hero

2005-11-23T12:54:00.000-05:00

NOTE: THIS POST INVOLVES EXCESSIVE CRUDENESS AND VULGARITY. IT'S FUNNY. BUT YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

okay, so this link is a bit longwinded to read the whole thing, but here's a synopsis. kevin smith is the dude who wrote clerks, mallrats, chasing amy, dogma, jersey girl , and jay & silent bob strike back. he's also now making clerks 2. well he apparently finds the time to personally respond to the drones of internet freaks out there commenting on him, his weight, his wife, and whatever else they feel like bitching about. if you have time to waste, i highly suggest reading them at the above link. if not, this was one of my favs (internet weirdo in italic, kevin in bold):

Kevin Smith is seriously overrated. He sucks heinously. -Brodester

Sucks your heart out and keeps it for his own, that is! You love him and you know it, Brodester! Quit posturing for your online buddies and own up to it! We’re like bestest friends!

He's just one big fat kid who got lucky directing some stupid movie in black and white that enough nerds went to go watch cause they have nothing else better to do than blow their load or watch a kevin smith movie.

From Brodester’s Journal:
“Dear Diary – Today I had nothing else better to do than blow my load and attack a guy who means nothing to me on the internet. What happened to all that potential they told me I had in high school? Why can’t I get my shit together? Fuck, I hate myself so much sometimes. It really hurts to be me.”

He is a big fat kid who makes mother jokes, and pisses on the funniest guy from the movies jason mewes...

That’s not what your mother said to me last night after I went all crazy ass-to-mouth on her, sir.

Oh, snap! Kevin Smith is at it again!

and people slop this shit up .. he's an essoterric, pseudo - intellectual ball bag.

- es·o·ter·ic
adj.
1 a Intended for or understood by only a particular group: an esoteric cult. -

Works for me, sir. Kool-Aid will be distributed at lunch.

- See Synonyms at mysterious. -

Ooo – mysterious. I like that. Batman's mysterious, too.

- b Of or relating to that which is known by a restricted number of people.

If that means it restricts the likes of a Brodester, then I’m running for King of Esoterica!

- 2 a Confined to a small group: esoteric interests.

Guilty as charged – particularly because one of my biggest esoteric interests is pulling my shit-stained member out of your Mom’s ass, then cramming it in her hungry pie-hole!

Oh, snap! Kevin Smith is at it again with the mother jokes! Truth!

personally, i just love it when a fat white guy works an "oh snap" into conversation. :)

and now for something completely different…

2005-11-19T16:15:00.000-05:00

A newly discovered species of lemur, avahi cleesei, was named after John Cleese in honor of his love of the endangered primates.

new communication & blessed be thy light

2005-11-19T15:48:00.000-05:00

NOTE: LONG POST. PROBABLY NOT FUNNY. READ AT OWN RISK!

This is going to be a double blog. 2 posts in one. Granted, I could post both of them separately, but there would be no guarantee that you would remember the first after reading the second. That made no sense.

new communication
I have discovered that as you get older, you come in contact with more and more people, and sharing news or gossip becomes very taxing. Who have I told, who haven't I… if I tell x before y, then y will be mad, and don't forget about z… plus there's the simple fact that, though sometimes it may not seem so, i often don't enjoy telling the same story seventeen times. So here's my solution. Most of the people I share my information with are reading this (and no, there probably aren't seventeen of you)… so sad. From here on out, this blog may now serve as adequate notification of important goings on in my life. :)

I'm borrowing this in essence from flarf… you see, i have been learning more about his recent goings on from his blog (sorry 'bout the car dude), and i find it much simpler. if it was something important, i know he would call, and vice versa, but at least now he doesn't have to call all seventeen people. so, they say immitation is the sincerest form of flattery, or something like that, so here goes. if anyone of you (both of you) find out something about my life that i haven't already told you, and it's on my blog, that's your fault, and my response may simply be, "read my blog."

I don't want to call everyone about this, because it's not a big deal yet, but I know some of you would be offended if you didn't know, so here's your notice…

blessed be thy light
there's a new job (do i ever talk about anything else?) at my work… same title… different department… better work… cooler people… same pay… and i'm going to go for it. no. wait. i'm going to get it. yes, confidence is the first step.

i've interviewed for a grand total of 4 jobs in my lifetime…

1) "hardlines associate" at a retail store. hardlines was apparently the cool way of saying "computer and videogames" department. well this interview wasn't exactly an interview. it was basically a "when can you work?" "how soon can you start?" and "there's the breakroom." i got the job, worked till the store was closed (less than 6 months), and still see some of the people i worked with at stores like CompUSA and Circuit City. that's sad.

2) "intern" at my current employer. i wore a sweater with a tie underneath. yes you read that right. i guess i didn't think i should fully dress up. part of the whole anti-establisment, damn the man mentality i think i have sometimes. well, this interview was strikingly similar to my first, with one difference, they offered me both an internship and job 2 hours later. boy did i sweat that out.

3) i convinced a local marketing agency to interview me despite them having no openings so that i could receive comments on how well i did, and take a look around their office. needless to say, i didn't get the nonexistent job.

4) another marketing agency gave me an interview, if you ask me, out of courtesy for, once again, flarf. see, he worked there, and put in a good word or two. by the time they met with me the position had already been filled, but she wanted to see my work anyway. still haven't heard anything, but that was only 4 years ago. they might call. really.

so that leads me to the upcoming interview. numero cinqo. or sink-o. um, five. i don't know when it is yet, so don't ask. but there is now officially a light at the end of my tunnel. and not only the END, but right friggin around the corner! i'm sure as i find time, i'll continue updates on here about it. and i'll try to find other things that are more amusing or whimsical to write about. like this… who knew searching ebay for whimsical would find over 1500 things currently available. wow.

snarf out.

words and pictures

2005-11-14T10:57:00.000-05:00

if you're not already reading this blog, you should be. every monday they come out with a new entry/comic, and it's usually related to advertising, but it's almost always a hoot. i'm going to quote them, just to get more traffic to my site :)

"For example, let’s say I write about the Clint Eastwood movie in which John Malkovich says “I’m going to the kill the President of the United States.” Fifteen seconds after I post, we have new readers from the Secret Service. Hi guys.
And now, a story:

A few weeks before Christmas, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Michael Jackson and Pam Anderson were playing online poker and exchanging Thanksgiving recipes. In the nude. While downloading Star Wars on Kazaa.

Boom. I just quintupled our traffic. Welcome new readers."

Thanks Guys! And welcome to MY new readers!

the world according to homer #1

2005-11-11T09:24:00.000-05:00

"kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably… the lesson is never try."

talk about a niche market

2005-11-10T15:14:00.000-05:00

so there are these two guys in california who have submitted a patent request for a new wine label under the title "jesus juice" as pictured here. it's a unique blend of a jesus crucification and michael jackson hat, glove and shoes. i follow that jesus christ was able to turn water into wine, but an image of his crucification? okay, so the passion made bank at the box office, but i'm just not convinced that it's going to translate into a fine california merlot. a wine that can bear a remarkable likeness (and taste if you ask me) to blood. yay, let's all drink jesus juice!

which, now that i think of it has a completely different connotation. for some reason, i think the visual of the son of god getting caught in the corner of a winery with his loincloth down filling the next barrel just might be too much for some people. so to you, i apologize.

moving on… michael jackson? i know this is an easy joke, but wouldn't a wine named after the king of pop be more apropos if it were a pinot grigio?

sorry again.

my main question here is what the heck is there target audience? i can't imagine that people who would want to buy "jesus juice" wine would be big king of pop fans. aside from them both sharing an affinity for little boys, they don't have much in common. and as for the whole michael jackson crucification, well, it would make a nice sign at the neverland ranch with some words along the top "you must be at least this tall to ride michael."

- credit to robin williams for that last bit.

it's like rain… #1

2005-11-09T20:23:00.000-05:00

ever notice that anytime you're having people over to your house, you spend days cleaning and preparing… only to find it even dirtier than it was originally, the second they all leave?

did you know? #1

2005-11-08T16:32:00.000-05:00

accoding to kentucky law, women may not appear on the highway in bathing suits unless they carry clubs. discuss.

maturation of creativity

2005-11-08T15:35:00.000-05:00

yeah, i know, the title's a bit longwinded, but i gotta use my big words somewhere… and anytime i use them at work, it's usually followed up with me either A) explaining what the word means, or B) pulling up a definition on dictionary.com because they don't believe me. anyway, the creative process… something which needs growth, stimulation, encouragement, positive strokes. all of which i can get for $19.95 if i read my emails. creativity is something that can be infinitely expandable, where birds fly and ipods are invented and people are happy. something that doesn't exist in my office.

yes. again i'm complaining about my job. but this time it's not the corporation, the policies, the "man"… no this time it's the people. ya see, i work with some, well, creatively challenged people. let me explain todays "brainstorming" meeting. my boss stares at the floor "thinking," while a co-worker is resting in her chair with her head against the wall rolling her eyes. another guy repeats anything that anyone else says, verbatim, as though it is his own idea, while others chat about jewelry and make jokes. and then there's me. spouting out random ideas, some good, a lot bad. storming my brain, if you will. and upon completion of each thought, it was met with either criticism (no, that won't work, we don't have the time to do that), defensiveness (there's no WAY i'm going to do THAT), or mockery (because their jokes weren't funny, i have no examples). regardless, after about a half dozen of these experiences, my inner child died. well maybe he didn't die, but he at least got sent off to boarding school for a while. and after 2 hours of that, we're back to square one. with no idea. and no plan. and we're going to meet again tomorrow.

40 hours a week…

2005-10-28T13:44:00.000-04:00

So i put in 40 hours a week at my job. mind you i say "put in" and not "work." i have realized that i think i only work now about 20 hours a week. I don't know when that happened, or why, or if it's because I hate my job or if it's because I feel a trained monkey (mind you it would have to be well trained) could perform most of my duties. But the truth is I just don't care any more. I still get my job done. And nobody notices either way. I've fallen into an abyss. A giant vat of useless, incompetent people, who actually have the nerve to get angry at me whenever I stick up for something. I open my mouth and they think I'm being an anal compulsive selfish prick who needs everything his way. And only half of that is true. This place literally sucks the joy from your life. And oh yeah, I was 9 minutes late this morning, and got written up for being "tardy." I love my job. I thought this blog was supposed to be a creative outlet to make my days go better? Umm… here, this should help.

introduction

2005-10-28T11:43:00.000-04:00

so here i am… sitting at work… wondering how ofter i'll be able to do this. probably not frequently at all, but we'll see how it goes, or if it's worth it or not. this is my first post, and it sucks, and i'm ok with that :)